A Sunday Nana nap dream following a Friday epiphany

Its taken five days to write this as I have been blown away.

On Sunday afternoon, I awake alert, Its been a 3 hour 'nap', My body is so fatigued... a year of it... hard stuff, life changing stuff,  driving a car off the road, chasing abusers down the road in my car, accepting my limitations, taking stands, opting for having and listening to epiphanies... and I remember my dream..... a dream that is more than just the remnants of the day, or those that come from too much cheese before going to bed, but one of those visionary dreams...

I am riding my motorbike through throngs of people, reminiscent of driving congestion in countries like Bali/Thailand/. I realise something big is happening. There is a famous person about to speak and people are flocking to the arena.  As I pull up when I cant go any further, a number  of things happen all at once. 

The guest speaker is walking across in front of me, a gate opens to the left and he goes through, at the very moment I recognise the figure as Christ, the pillion passenger I was unaware of jumps off the back, slides through the gap of the closing gate and stands in front of Christ. The crowd stands back, gives her so much space, but watch attentively, and there is just my little self age 5 staring up at Christ who is talking to her. He bends and holds her. She hugs him back by holding on round his neck.  She then  leaves, comes back through the gate, looks at me and hugs me.

All the time I am standing in awe at the confidence of the little one.

At this point in the dream I become my 5yo's protector. We are back in the house  where I was from birth to age 8. I am being approached by a person who has hurt us all our lives, actually, an amalgamation of two women family members who have lied, manipulative and twisted, protected the men folk who have offended. I am wary and weary. I recognise the false smile, the forced eye contact, the approaching next round of manipulation. As they approach, the hollow words are coming towards me "you need to understand...". They/she want to hug me and are responding to me as though I am a prodigal returned home. I walk away. Im not "home", Im not sure whey I am passing through there but I am there to leave.  As I approach my motorbike, I see its gone. While Im initially thinking that this is so typical, my stuff just disappearing, the thought is overtaken with the realisation that there is a bigger new motorbike  in its place. Then It hits me that my bags on the bike that is gone are also gone. I look around to see if my gear is still there for me but they are not.  I then see that there are a pile of things in a banana box and other bags to use.  

At first I chose two long punching bags that are heavily weighted and wont hold anything. I put one either side on the bag rack and they are too long. I see that they will drag me down. I manage to secure one higher off the ground but not the one on the right. I take them off and settle on a smaller bag and a 1960s Boys annual book. The one with the yellow cover. The one for Boys showing how to make things.

During this, the amalgamated "you must understand" woman is hovering. I challenge her about where my motorbike is, She said my friend John needed it more for where he was going and left another in its place.  She also  said she agreed he could and believed him when he said  I would understand. What is amazing is that the new bike  in its place is bigger, newer and it makes no sense. I cannot work out why. I cannot work out why "you must understand"  woman is once again making decisions for me in my life. I ignore her again.

I finally figure out that we can use more than one motorbike. As soon as I realise this, we are on the road immediately. I look behind and there are 3 of my younger selves on their own bikes following. We are puling out of the driveway of the house I lived in from age 8-20.

It is a relief to be leaving. It is bright and clear.

I am wearing light clothes but know we all have enough gear on for safety.  I am riding slowly and soon I am back on the road where we had met the Christ but going back the other way.

I look up and sight our destination. Its in the distance, a slow steady journey to make to the top of a  large snow capped mountain. I ponder this, unafraid. Then I look left, there is a taller mountain, and this is the one we are travelling too. I am unafraid but more concerned and already thinking "how?" because the jacket i am  wearing is light. I know as we get closer we will need gloves, heavier jackets and warmer trousers. I am uncertain AND confident at the same time.


I wake. For a  brief moment I am not sure if its morning after a night sleep or an early evening after an afternoon sleep. The dream in its entirety is immediately present to me.

I know the yellow covered book is a book I have just bought to replace the toys I used to have, while on a current 70s retro buzz. The motorbike is because its spring and Im wondering if this is the season i have to sell silver gal or maybe I can do some more rides again. I see the mountains as I am hankering for my annual view  and photographing of our mountains and havent got there yet. I see the amalgamated woman as I have  just had an encounter with one and the other is traditionally  around when its near the time of my birthday. The clothes are about me not fitting any of my gear because I am too big and now thinking about replacing them. The missing gear  and missing vehicle from that driveway has been a recurring theme for 20 years in my process dreams- taken with no explanation. In my dreams I am usually hugely upset, and cant leave as there is nothing left to help me leave. I note immediately this is a change. I carry on, I do something better, I leave. I dont look back other than  to check I have all my selves with me and am satisfied when I see I do.

The knowing I need more gear to tackle the journey ahead is a more and more recurring theme of the last 5 years ( since i was street assaulted in April 2006). The  noticing, and being able to think and plan, and remain confident in uncertainty, is evident in my dream.


What is the most surprising and new to my dream and astounding to me is the presence of the Christ.

I recognise the Christ figure immediately. He is the me one I saw at age 4 when awake.  An event that some would and have described as imagination, wishful thinking, an imaginary friend,  hallucination, psychosis, dissociation. One I can never explain but I know that day at age 4 or 5, I was outside, I was standing in the door of the run down shed at the back of my house, it was sunny, and blue sky, with some white clouds and I saw Christ above in the distance holding out arms to me inviting an embrace. His robes were white with red down the side and blue in front.   I was a kid that needed glasses so the fact  I could see anything make its more surreal.    I am not sure I had been given any images of the Christ at that point of my life given I didnt go far from the house.

This is the first time I have seen the Christ again, and this time closer up, and Im strong enough to accept the embrace.

A Friday Epiphany

So like, um, its taken a week to tell this. 

It involves self reflection of the hard kind.

Someone told me last week  I would have some quick epiphanies. 

Some big stuff happening this year  that has involved multiple people giving evidential interviews. Right. So some of the people involved live in the South Island. I hear about 6 weeks ago that those people will be coming to the North Island at some point. I joke that I should try and find out when and greet them at the ferry terminal or at last stand on the BP OTAKI corner holding a sign with words that cant be said here....

 So having had the fantasy I forget this. 

On Friday 7 September 2.30pm, I am driving home from work and Im following a slow vehicle and I start to think to myself, maybe its them. Ive never seen their vehicle before so this is just stupid thinking.

 At the lights I start to to text someone who would know and as

 we take off from lights I overtake and F^&*, ITS THEM.

 I had prepared myself to slap my head and call myself an idiot and how bizarre. How the hell did that happen. MY GOD. 

So I start shaking. I think I have to do something. And so overtake and and pull over about 1 km later on a straight.

 I decide to get out of the car and be seen. I get out, take my jacket, hat and scarf off and stand visibly on the road verge to make sure Im seen from a distance. Then, I stepped over my own value system about enemy/pillock love, my first hand went up and then my second and I was giving them the fingers and screaming obscenities. Calling them self appointed prima donnas and more words I cant say here.

 When they pass, I get in car and breathe. I then start my journey home wondering about the timing of it all. I wonder if I can catch up so I can do it again and ecause they are slow travelling, I am behind them again. Then I lose it. I have to be seen. I pass my turn off. I follow 2,3 ,4,5 km passed my home. I over take and have the passenger side window down and stare out at the driver of the other vehicle. I try to make it a stare of perfect outrage.

 I start to think this is f%*^ing nuts, What will i do if they pull over having seen me. how far will I follow and what will I do when they are at their destination. 

slash their tyres, swear, swap the septic tanks and water tanks over on their vehicle?????.

 I stand on the road again and make sure Im seen. One last hand gesture or two.

 I hope they see me as strong, alive.

 I know going down their road of violence will lead me no where. I get back in the car. Breathe.  Think about driving again and just following following following.

Instead, I read the texts coming in from those I had alerted to what was happening... advising me to breathe, calm, dont ram them, come home, reminding me that they arent worth my energy, marveling at the synchronicity at the timing of just being on the road at the exact time, as I realise my energy best be served by going home and holding my 3yo friend, and loving my partner of 17 years.

That night I am holding my boy and looking at my partner at house mass as my dearest friend reads the psalm. It starts with the words

"Dont be heated at the wicked.."

I guffaw loudly.

 I sleep most of the weekend. 

I have had my epiphany.

Epiphany 8 May 2012

Its like I am Ann-Marie. Everything that did and didn't
happen, did and didn't happen to me. Its my life. Its my
story. Its extreme. I survived childhood being invisible,
adolescence by being visible (through over compensating and
rage) and from my twenties doing both and learning to
understand me. And I have done the hard yards. I have chosen
the right people to like love and hold me. I have been in
grief AND I am strong, brave and courageous in the face of
layers and layers of physical and emotional pain from
external events I didn't cause. How amazing is that?

Inspired MS word muddle

Later life became light.

Meditation on Meditating

kiss kiss of cicada
flip flap of moth wings
meow of cat
shuffling feet on floor
spring squeak of sofa
breath become snore
low hum of CD player on standby
and a child’s peek
whisper
maranatha -come lord Jesus,
Jesus has come.

water bottle slurp
tick tock rhythmic clock
arthritic ankle crack
tip tap water drop
buzz whirr of fly with mosquito descant
purple green closed eye light, enhanced
by flute piping peace
maranatha - come lord Jesus,
Jesus has come. 

February 2011

Healing and Transformation

I have come to the conclusion that abuse, violence and neglect can only exist in any system (workplaces, families, communities) in an atmosphere of secrets, isolation, silence and shaming.

The antithesis of abuse/violence and neglect systems is therefore: transparency, connection, talking and open. This is how my healing and transformation has come. I have named and told. This I will continue to do.

Life

life is love is God
to live is love is God
connection is life is love is God