Its taken five days to write this as I have been blown away.
On Sunday afternoon, I awake alert, Its been a 3 hour 'nap', My body is so fatigued... a year of it... hard stuff, life changing stuff, driving a car off the road, chasing abusers down the road in my car, accepting my limitations, taking stands, opting for having and listening to epiphanies... and I remember my dream..... a dream that is more than just the remnants of the day, or those that come from too much cheese before going to bed, but one of those visionary dreams...
I am riding my motorbike through throngs of people, reminiscent of driving congestion in countries like Bali/Thailand/. I realise something big is happening. There is a famous person about to speak and people are flocking to the arena. As I pull up when I cant go any further, a number of things happen all at once.
The guest speaker is walking across in front of me, a gate opens to the left and he goes through, at the very moment I recognise the figure as Christ, the pillion passenger I was unaware of jumps off the back, slides through the gap of the closing gate and stands in front of Christ. The crowd stands back, gives her so much space, but watch attentively, and there is just my little self age 5 staring up at Christ who is talking to her. He bends and holds her. She hugs him back by holding on round his neck. She then leaves, comes back through the gate, looks at me and hugs me.
All the time I am standing in awe at the confidence of the little one.
At this point in the dream I become my 5yo's protector. We are back in the house where I was from birth to age 8. I am being approached by a person who has hurt us all our lives, actually, an amalgamation of two women family members who have lied, manipulative and twisted, protected the men folk who have offended. I am wary and weary. I recognise the false smile, the forced eye contact, the approaching next round of manipulation. As they approach, the hollow words are coming towards me "you need to understand...". They/she want to hug me and are responding to me as though I am a prodigal returned home. I walk away. Im not "home", Im not sure whey I am passing through there but I am there to leave. As I approach my motorbike, I see its gone. While Im initially thinking that this is so typical, my stuff just disappearing, the thought is overtaken with the realisation that there is a bigger new motorbike in its place. Then It hits me that my bags on the bike that is gone are also gone. I look around to see if my gear is still there for me but they are not. I then see that there are a pile of things in a banana box and other bags to use.
At first I chose two long punching bags that are heavily weighted and wont hold anything. I put one either side on the bag rack and they are too long. I see that they will drag me down. I manage to secure one higher off the ground but not the one on the right. I take them off and settle on a smaller bag and a 1960s Boys annual book. The one with the yellow cover. The one for Boys showing how to make things.
During this, the amalgamated "you must understand" woman is hovering. I challenge her about where my motorbike is, She said my friend John needed it more for where he was going and left another in its place. She also said she agreed he could and believed him when he said I would understand. What is amazing is that the new bike in its place is bigger, newer and it makes no sense. I cannot work out why. I cannot work out why "you must understand" woman is once again making decisions for me in my life. I ignore her again.
I finally figure out that we can use more than one motorbike. As soon as I realise this, we are on the road immediately. I look behind and there are 3 of my younger selves on their own bikes following. We are puling out of the driveway of the house I lived in from age 8-20.
It is a relief to be leaving. It is bright and clear.
I am wearing light clothes but know we all have enough gear on for safety. I am riding slowly and soon I am back on the road where we had met the Christ but going back the other way.
I look up and sight our destination. Its in the distance, a slow steady journey to make to the top of a large snow capped mountain. I ponder this, unafraid. Then I look left, there is a taller mountain, and this is the one we are travelling too. I am unafraid but more concerned and already thinking "how?" because the jacket i am wearing is light. I know as we get closer we will need gloves, heavier jackets and warmer trousers. I am uncertain AND confident at the same time.
I wake. For a brief moment I am not sure if its morning after a night sleep or an early evening after an afternoon sleep. The dream in its entirety is immediately present to me.
I know the yellow covered book is a book I have just bought to replace the toys I used to have, while on a current 70s retro buzz. The motorbike is because its spring and Im wondering if this is the season i have to sell silver gal or maybe I can do some more rides again. I see the mountains as I am hankering for my annual view and photographing of our mountains and havent got there yet. I see the amalgamated woman as I have just had an encounter with one and the other is traditionally around when its near the time of my birthday. The clothes are about me not fitting any of my gear because I am too big and now thinking about replacing them. The missing gear and missing vehicle from that driveway has been a recurring theme for 20 years in my process dreams- taken with no explanation. In my dreams I am usually hugely upset, and cant leave as there is nothing left to help me leave. I note immediately this is a change. I carry on, I do something better, I leave. I dont look back other than to check I have all my selves with me and am satisfied when I see I do.
The knowing I need more gear to tackle the journey ahead is a more and more recurring theme of the last 5 years ( since i was street assaulted in April 2006). The noticing, and being able to think and plan, and remain confident in uncertainty, is evident in my dream.
What is the most surprising and new to my dream and astounding to me is the presence of the Christ.
I recognise the Christ figure immediately. He is the me one I saw at age 4 when awake. An event that some would and have described as imagination, wishful thinking, an imaginary friend, hallucination, psychosis, dissociation. One I can never explain but I know that day at age 4 or 5, I was outside, I was standing in the door of the run down shed at the back of my house, it was sunny, and blue sky, with some white clouds and I saw Christ above in the distance holding out arms to me inviting an embrace. His robes were white with red down the side and blue in front. I was a kid that needed glasses so the fact I could see anything make its more surreal. I am not sure I had been given any images of the Christ at that point of my life given I didnt go far from the house.
This is the first time I have seen the Christ again, and this time closer up, and Im strong enough to accept the embrace.
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